PUNS & GROANERS

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I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out. For years, he refused... told me I was crazy.

But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4" shorter than his right. A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans.

"So," I said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg."

He just looked at me and said, ... "I stand corrected."

"In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would take many men many months to equal it." ~ Merle L. Meacham ~

LATIN?

Two orthodox Jews went to Pincus the tailor for new suits. "Listen, Pincus," one said, "the last suits you made for us were sort of gray. We want black suits, the darkest black cloth that we can get."

"See this cloth?" Pincus said, fingering a bolt of fabric. "This is the stuff they make nuns' habits from. There ain't no blacker cloth."

A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits. Becoming angry, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked off.

"What did that man want?" one nun asked the other.

"I don't know," she replied, "He looked at my garment, said something in Latin and left."

"What did he say?"

"He said, 'Pincus Fucktus'."

So if there is anything at all
All you've got to do is call
And you know that I would
Drive 10,000 miles
Just to show you that I care
Just to kiss your honey hair
And pull you close
And hold you like a child
Love heals everything
We're no exception to that rule
~ Shawn Mullins ~

     

The Pope is taking a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally feels the need to empty his holy scrotal sacs, and this is one of these occasions.

Just as he shoots his load, he sees a photographer taking a picture of the holy harry monk flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute" says the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church."

"This picture is my lottery win," says the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life."

So the Pope offers to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrive at a figure of two million dollars.

The Pope then dries himself off, and heads off with his new camera. He meets his housekeeper, who spots the camera.

"That looks like a really good camera," she says, "how much did it cost you?"

"Two million dollars" replies the Pope.

"TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" says the housekeeper, "They must have seen you coming."

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

NASTY BUG

Every night, Joe would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rank. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time, he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Joe didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Joe and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Joe went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.

"Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

What charge did the police arrest the driver for?

Answer. Armed Robbery!!!!!!!

"In all ages, hypocrites who were priests crown men who were thieves and call them kings." ~ Robert G. Ingersoll ~

PUNISHMENT

These two homosexuals attacked a straight guy and sodomized the poor fellow to death.

It wasn't long before the two were captured and a hasty trial ensued.

The jury returned a verdict of guilty of Homicide with Special Circumstances. (They had not worn condoms during the assault.)

The presiding judge soon sentenced the two homosexuals to death by execution in the Electric Chair.

The state tried time and again to execute them and failed each time.

Every time they put one of the two homosexuals into the Electric Chair and threw the switch, he would blow the fuse.

The prison warden petitioned the court and requested approval of an alternate means by which to carry out the executions.

The judge ordered that a medical exam be performed on both of the convicted homosexuals to see if either of them had AIDS. Having found both to be infected, the doctor informed the judge. After a short period of consideration, the judge ordered the warden to allow the two homosexuals to perform Anal Sex upon one another. The sentence was carried out. Both of the homosexuals were soon deceased from... Death by Lethal Ejaculation.

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."

"Oh yes dear, what happened?"

"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."

"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?"

"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."