AFTERNOON QUICKIES

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Q: What do women and condoms have in common?
A:They both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your dick.

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.

Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a mens restroom?
A:Say, "Nice dick."

Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A:When a nymphomaniac tells you,"Let's just be friends."

OK I get it. You're horny. You don't have to punch holes in the wall.

Science is wonderful. For years uranium cost only a few dollars a ton until scientists discovered you could kill people with it.

MONDAY

Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
A:An itchy, twitchy twat.

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A:Only if they don't work.

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A:If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.

Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A:"Are you sure it's mine?"

Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A:Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.

Q: What three two-letter words denote "small"?
A:"Is it in?"

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A:A tick falls off you when you die.

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A:When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q: What do call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A:Your Honor.

Q: Moms have Mothers Day, fathers have Fathers Day. What do Single guys have?
A:Palm Sunday

Q: What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A:Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A:$3.99 a minute.

A man who died so that others may live - as though death could beget life.

WEDNESDAY

Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A:Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A:A bingo machine.

Q: What do you call a Flordia gynecologist?
A:A spreader of old wives' tails...

Q: Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A:They have shaky hands!

Q: What do a Divorce in Alabama, a Tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
A:Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer house.

Q: How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
A:Say something!!!

Q: How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you?
A:She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl.

Q: How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer?
A:There's a hammer embedded in the monitor.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a redhead in bed?
A:A blonde lets you leave the bed when you are satisfied - a redhead lets you leave the bed when SHE is satisfied.

Q: What's the Redhead Dating Motto?
A:The fastest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.

Q: What do redheads and McDonald's have in common?
A:You've never had it so good and so fast.

Q: How do you get a redhead's mood to change?
A:Wait 10 seconds.

People do not like to think. If one thinks, one must reach conclusions. Conclusions are not always pleasant. ~ Helen Keller ~

FRIDAY

Q: How is 10 years of marriage different from working in the same job for 10 years?
A:The job still sucks.

Q: What's the difference between a wife and a prostitute?
A:At least with a pro, you get what you pay for.

Q: What is the definition of a smart ass?
A:Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is.

Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A:The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What's the difference between medium and rare?
A:6 inches is medium, 8 inches is rare.

Q: What did the acorn say when he grew up?
A:Geometry.

Q: What was the theme song at the Columbine High School prom?
A:"Hit Me With Your Best Shot."
Other possibilities:

• "I Heard It Through The Carbine"
• "Fire"
• "Shoot to Thrill"
• "Unload, Reload"
• "Who Put the Bomb..."

Q: What band did the school officials try to hire for the prom?
A:Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band.

Q: Who was their second choice?
A:The Sex Pistols.

Q: And their third choice?
A:The Cartridge Family!

Q: What's everybody's favorite drinking game at Columbine?
A:Shots!

Q: What would happen if the earth spun 30 times faster than it does now?
A:Every day would be payday and all the women in the world would bleed to death.