REDNECKS & HILLBILLIES

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Traveling salesman stops at a hillbilly farmhouse to sell some wares. While he's there a fierce storm comes up, and the farmer invites him to spend the night.

However, as there wasn't a spare bedroom, the salesman would have to sleep in the same room as the farmer's daughter--on the condition that if any hanky-panky went on and the daughter got pregnant, the salesman would have to marry her.

The salesman eyes the daughter, who has the body of a goddess but the head of a javelina, and figures out that he's being set up for a shotgun wedding. But he didn't want to brave the night's storm, so he agreed to the farmer's terms.

The next morning, the family is sitting around the breakfast table. The father asks the daughter, "Did he do it last night, girl?"

"Sure did, Pa."

"Excellent!" says the father. "If it's a boy, we'll call him John."

"And if it's a girl," says the mother, "we'll call her Martha."

About that time the salesman came into the room holding a condom and grinning.

"Well," he says, "if the little bastard gets out of this, we'll call him Houdini."

Xerox never comes up with anything original.

REDNECK ETIQUETTE

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

• Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
• When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
• Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
• When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
• Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
• Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
• Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

• Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
• If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
• While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
• Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

DINING OUT

• Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

• A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
• Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are.
• If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)

• Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
• Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years a go."
• If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

• Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
• Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

• Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
• It is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
• When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
• A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
• For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

• Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
• Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
• Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
• It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
• Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
• The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
• Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

• Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
• If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
• Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
• If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
• Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
• Do not buy food at the movie store.
• If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
• Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
• There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
• Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
• People walk slower here.
• Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
• The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'" as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
• The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
• Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
• If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
• If you hear a Southerner exclaim,"Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
• Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
• Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
• The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

• Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
• Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
• Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
• In southern churches you will here the hymn, All Glory, Laud and Honor. You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
• As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
• You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

Just as too much charity is the handiwork of a fool, so too much patience is the hallmark of a coward. ~ Kabbalah ~

FISHING TRIP

Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean...they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch more!"

• Benign..........................What you be after you be eight.
• Artery............................The study of paintings.
• Bacteria........................Back door to the cafeteria.
• Barium..........................What doctors do when patients die.
• Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.
• CATscan......................Searching for kitty.
• Cauterize.....................Made eye contact with her.
• Colic..............................A sheep dog.
• Coma.............................A punctuation mark.
• D & C.............................Where Washington is.
• Dilate.............................To live long.
• Enema...........................Not a friend.
• Fester............................Quicker than someone else.
• Fibula.............................A small lie.
• Genital...........................Non-Jewish person.
• G.I. Series.....................World Series of military baseball.
• Hangnail.......................What you hang your coat on.
• Impotent........................Distinguished or well known.
• Labor Pain....................Getting hurt at work.
• Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane.
• Morbid...........................A higher offer than I bid.
• Nitrates.........................Cheaper than day rates.
• Node..............................I knew it.
• Outpatient....................A person who has fainted.
• Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
• Pelvis............................Second cousin to Elvis.
• Post Operative............A letter carrier.
• Recovery Room..........Place to do upholstery.
• Rectum.........................Damn near killed him.
• Secretion......................Hiding something.
• Seizure..........................Roman emperor.
• Tablet.............................A small table.
• Terminal Illness...........Getting sick at the airport.
• Tumor............................More than one.
• Urine..............................Opposite of you're out.
• Varicose........................Near by or close by.

Marriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose. ~ F.M. Knowles ~

DEAR SUN,

One side of the room has a big box, somthin like a pig trough, only you get in and wash all over.

On the other side is a little thing call a sink, but yonder in the corner we realy have somethin. You put one foot in and wash it good, pull the chain and get fresh water for the other foot.

Two lids came with the thing that we aint got any use for in the bathroom, so I's using one for a bread board and the other one had a hole in it, so I's using it for a frame for your grandpappy's pictur.

That companys awful nice to do busines with. They sent us a roll of writing paper with the outfit, paw and me don't write much so I'm using it to wrap paw's lunch in.

Take care of yourself
Maw and Paw

One day after work an Aggie was sitting on the subway, when he sees a kid next to him reading. The Aggie asks the kid what is that he's reading.

The kid replies, "It's for a class I'm taking called Deductive Reasoning."

"Deductive Reasoning? What in the world is that?" says the redneck.

The kid says, "Well let me give you an example. Do you have a lawnmower?" The redneck nods his head. The boy then says, "Since you have a lawn mower you probably have a lawn."

The redneck says yes. So the boy continues and says, "Well since you have a lawn I bet you have a house."

The redneck nods his head. The boy says, "Well if you have a house, I deduce you have kids." The redneck is amazed and says yes.

"So, if you have kids, then you must have a wife," says the kid.

"Exactly!" replies the redneck.

And if you have a wife, then you're not gay, right? asks the kid.

The redneck is amazed at what this kid did, so the next day he is talking to his neighbor, and asks him if he has a lawnmower.

The neighbor answers, "No."

So the redneck says, "Queer."