RELIGION

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A priest is sitting in his confessional and hears an old man's voice on the other side of the screen. The old man says, "Father, I'm eighty-one years old, I've been married to the same woman for fifty-four years, and have always been faithful. But yesterday, I made wild, passionate love with a pair of lovely eighteen-year-old twin sisters."

The priest asks, "When was the last time you went to confession?"

The old man replies, "Never... I'm Jewish."

The priest is puzzled. "Then why did you come here today to tell me this?"

The old man says, "Oh... heck... I'm telling everybody!!!

The game women play is men.

SHOPPING

Jeremy was the only Jew in town. The only shop in town was run by a stodgy old Baptist who hated Jews.

Jeremy went to the shop to buy some dog food. The shop owner asked him if he had a license for the dog. He said yes, but the shop owner asked him to prove it... He went home, got the license, and went back to the shop. Finally he bought the dog food.

The next day Jeremy walked into the shop and asked to buy some condoms. The shop keeper asked him if he had a marriage license. He said yes, but the shop keeper asked him to prove it. So he went home, got the license, showed the shop keeper, and finally got his condoms.

A week later Jeremy came in with a jar and told the shopkeeper to smell it. The shopkeeper takes a whiff and screams "Oh Shit!" Jeremy said "That's right, two rolls of toilet paper, thanks."

As not everyone may be aware, there are two gates leading into heaven. Above the first is a sign reading "Stand here, all husbands who were dominated by their wives". Above the other is a sign reading "Stand here, all husbands who were NOT dominated by their wives". Of course the former always has a line stretching halfway to Hell.

One day, a single, scrawny figure of a man appears at the second gate. St. Peter walks up and demands to know what he, of all people, is doing standing there.

The man replies "My wife told me to stand here."

"The faintest ink is more powerful than the strongest memory." ~ Old Chinese Proverb ~

FISH

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking by and said, "Wow, that's a gawd damn fish!"

The sister said, "Sir you shouldn't talk to me like that, I'm a nun," and the man replied, "But that's the name of it: a gawd damn fish."

So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said, "Mother Superior, look at the gawd damn fish I caught!"

The Mother Superior said, "Sister, you should not speak so!" The sister said, "But Mother Superior, that's the name of it: a gawd damn fish."

So the Mother Superior said, "Well give me the gawd damn fish and I'll clean it."

While she was cleaning the fish the monsignor walked in and she said, "Monsignor look at the gawd damn fish that the sister caught."

The monsignor said, "Mother Superior! You shouldn't talk like that!" But the Mother Superior replied, "But that's the name of it: a gawd damn fish."

So the monsignor said, "Well give me the gawd damn fish and I'll cook it."

That evening at supper, there was a new priest at the table. He exclaimed, "What a wonderful fish!"

The sister said, "I caught the gawd damn fish."

And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the gawd damn fish."

And the monsignor said, "I cooked the gawd damn fish."

The new priest said, "I like this fucking place already!"

A priest is doing some confessions and desperate to go to the toilet. He looks out of the confessional box and sees the caretaker approaching. "Do me a favour, my son, cover for me for 5 minutes while I go to the toilet", begs the priest.

Understandably the caretaker is a bit reluctant.

"Look it's dead easy, all you have to do is tell the confessor to say an increasing number of Hail Marys depending on how serious the crime is"

So the caretaker steps into the booth and the priest rushes off to the toilet.

A young woman enters the booth.

"Forgive me father for I have sinned", says the woman. "I gave my boyfriend a blow job".

The caretaker doesn't know how many Hail Marys this merits so he looks out of the booth and sees a passing choirboy. "Oi, mate. What does the priest give for a blow job", he asks.

"A can of coke and a mars bar", answers the choirboy.

Do not, for one repulse, forego the purpose that you resolved to effect. ~ Shakespeare ~

SAD MOTHER

A very devout nun dies and goes to heaven. Upon arrival, she is greeted with ceremony and honor and told she may immediately have any wish she chooses while her place is prepared for her.

She humbly and politely replies that she would like an audience with Holy Mary, if this is possible. Peter agrees on the spot and escorts her personally to a little door, hitherto unnoticed in the great vault of the firmament. He knocks softly. There's a murmured reply from within, and he opens the door and indicates to his guest to enter.

Within, sitting in a plain chair is a middle-aged Jewish woman in the garb of the first century knitting.

The nun sits reverently for some time at Mary's feet and finally gestures so as to ask a question. Mary looks up from her knitting and indicates it is OK to ask.

"Reverend Mother, please tell me, you were chosen from all women to be the mother of G-d. You are a simple Jewish woman, I know. But if you could, just give me an inkling of what it felt like when it happened when Jesus was born?"

With a distant look in her eyes, Mary replies, "Vell, Ich vaist a Maydel...." *** *** "Well, I wanted a girl..."

Sister Mary was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Karen said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"

Sister Mary's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?"

"A prostitute" Karen said.

Sister Mary breathed a sight of relief and said, "Thank God, I thought you said a Protestant."