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A real estate salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.

"That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?"

"Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat."

Time heals what reason cannot. ~ Lucius Annaeus Seneca ~

BIG KAHUNA BREAST ENLARGEMENTS CUSTOMER RELATIONS DEPARTMENT

Dear Satisfied Customer,

Our records show that you are a satisfied customer from several years ago.

We wish to contact you regarding recent consumer safety issues regarding your model 6934DD gyro-stabilized nuclear powered anti-gravity fully electronically controlled breast implants.

There have been recent failures of the gyroscopic stabilizers used in the model 69-XXX series implants. These failures have resulted from intense vertical g-forces causing overload and failure of the harmonic dampening system. This by itself would not be of concern, however, since these failures have happened during physical activity where strong external rhythmic forces were being applied to the units, certain synergistic phenomena have led to dangerous failure modes.

In one case, this was caused from intense sexual activity in varying positions for extended time periods (see attached consumer warning brochure and video for illustrations). This customer was obviously distracted and did not notice that the red nipple failure indicator lights had illuminated, and that the internal warning nipple vibrators had energized in both units. For some reason the customer did not acknowledge either of the warnings and continued with her intense activity. Unfortunately, the failure warning system is programmed to automatically deactivate after 45 minutes if the units are not shut down manually.

The failing gyro-stabilization systems remained in operation even after the auto-stabilization system warnings had expired. 30 minutes after the initial event, the flywheels of the gyroscopic dampeners began to fail causing a severe imbalance. Fragments from the failed gyros wedged into the motor controller mechanisms locking them into full speed. This caused the RPMs to increase to beyond the design speeds. The imbalance and increased RPMs caused the implants to begin to oscillate wildly. And since the stabilization system had failed, their oscillations were not linked. When the oscillations caused the customers breasts to jump wildly in different directions, the customer finally became aware of the problem. However, neither her nor her partner could catch the devices and hit the emergency shutdown buttons before the gyrostabilizer motors finally burned out from overload.

According to the paramedic's report, "when we first arrived on the scene, it looked as if she had two wild cats fighting in her lingerie". The paramedics stated that it took several minutes for the gyroscopic stabilizers to spin down and the oscillations finally stopped.

Luckily there was no damage to the nuclear power module, and the units remained completely contained in their membranes.

Because of the potential danger that this malfunction poses to our customers, we are dispatching a team of field engineers to inspect and repair any damage to the units before a failure can happen.

One of these engineers will be contacting you shortly. Please allow the engineer complete access to the units so he may thoroughly examine and field-test them during his visit. Once the rigorous testing is completed, you will most assuredly be completely satisfied. If not, the engineer will repeat the field testing until you are completely satisfied.

A man walked into the drug store and shyly asked the pretty girl behind the counter if he could buy some condoms. Seeing his discomfort, the girl decided to have some fun.

She asked what size he needed. He said he didn't really know. So the girl said they come in three sizes, and that there were three holes in the fence outside that they used for sizing tests. He should go outside and put his tool to the test.

When he went outside, the girl sneaked around the fence. When he put his tool through the first hole, she caught him and gave him a hand-job. When he put his tool in the second hole, she gave him a blowjob. When he put his tool in the third hole, she had her pants down and she took him inside herself.

When he was finished, the girl ran around the front. He walked up and she asked, "So, what size do you need?"

He answered, "I've decided not to buy any condoms; but I do want 8 feet of that fence!"

But at my back I always hear Times' winged chariot hurrying near. ~ Andrew Marvell ~

CURE FOR THE COMMON COLD?

Rich was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Ernie, the owner, had about enough and warned Rich that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing, and he asked Rich for their best cough syrup.

Try as he might Rich could not find the cough syrup.

Remembering Ernie's warning, he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.

The customer did as Rich said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Ernie had seen the whole thing and came over to ask Rich what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. So... I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," Rich explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough," Ernie shouted angrily.

"Sure it will," Rich said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.

"Look at him... He won't cough... He's *afraid* to cough."

Two nuns walk into a secondhand car dealership. The owner comes forward to see what they want (he is fed up with donations for the local church) but to his surprise they declare they want to buy a 2nd-hand car. He shows them around and they finally settle on a very old Ford. After they pay him and having made sure they have a licence and know how to operate the car he walks away to serve other customers. After half an hour he sees they are still sitting in the car, but he doesn't want to interfere. After an hour they're still sitting in the car. So he walks up to them and says, "Sisters, is there anything wrong?"

"No," they reply. "We are just waiting."

After another half an hour they are *still* there. So he just can't bear it. He walks up and says, "Just what are you waiting for?"

"Well," says one of them, "we have been told that when you buy a secondhand Ford you always get fucked -- so we're waiting..."

A man of quality is not threatened by a woman of equality.

GADFLY'S ONLINE CHRISTIAN BONDAGE AND DOMINATION STORE

In support of the recent Southern Baptist edict that women should "submit to their husbands," we have acquired an inventory of beginning B&D supplies for the Baptist couple eager to explore the righteous ways of wife domination:

1. Starter kit: leather masks with zippers and cat 'o nine tails. The masks are clearly emblazoned with Christian Fish symbols on the forehead area.
2. Nipple Clamps of the Holy Trinity: Three brass nipple clamps held together with golden chains of appropriate length, allowing the masterful husband many options in attaching the third "Holy Spirit" clamp.
3. Mary Magdalene's Leather Pants: This "cheekless" design allows full access to spanking surfaces when the wife is in her proper penitent, kneeling position.
4. Wrath of God: a 12-foot bullwhip of black cowhide on a Communion chalice handle for putting the fear of God into wives who have strayed (e.g. thinking for themselves or having an opinion with no regard for the damage this causes the family).
5. The Rack of St. Stephen: Sturdy construction with heavy, fur-lined wrist and ankle restraints. Can be spun upside down for the St. Paul variant.
6. The Archangel: Large punishment phallus of sufficient diameter and length to make any wayward wife admit her heretical ways and beg forgiveness.
7. The Judas Wand: A handsome vibrator that works well for five minutes then shuts down automatically, leaving the wife more dependent than ever on her Master.
8. Riding Crop of the Pharacies: Teach your wife the ways of the Lord with this sturdy handcrafted riding crop.
9. Anointment: a thick, non-toxic balm scented with myrrh and frankincense. Perfect for easing the pain of heavily welted skin or allowing the Master easier penetration when teaching a lesson regarding the ways of Sodom.

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains.

He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, The Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."