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The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

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"The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires." ~ William A. Ward ~

NEW SCUBA GAS TECHNOLOGY NOW AVAILABLE!

Thanks to a co-operative development team headed by Navy Divers, USDivers and Hormel Chili, new mixed gas rebreathing technology has been developed to tap a natural gas source carried in the human body. Project "Butox" was created to convert natural body methane into a viable air source using existing military rebreather technology. Sgt. Major Ophgaus of the Navy's Phlatulence Unit (PU) stated in an interview:

"It was a grand idea just sitting under our noses. It came to us in a blast of inspiration during chow. Private O'durs happened to be sitting on his snorkle when *Phhhrt!* it blew over us."

The Flatulence Anal Rebreather Tank (FART) technology is basically a rectal snorkle hooked into rebreather unit fed by natural body gases. Special care has to be taken as to diet prior to dives, and methane exposure limits should be observed. The unit has been known to get overloaded by excessive amounts of beans, kraut, tofu, and/or cheap beer prior to diving.

Manufacturers of SpareAir are foreseeing competition of their existing product. Rather than having to carry a redundant air source FART divers merely have to pull their finger (or buddy's finger) for air in a pinch.

While no instances of Butox decompression illness has been reported, technicians recommend carrying essential safety equipment on board dive boats for emergency treatment of an anal embolism including oxygen suppositories and a disposable bic lighter.

Murray Walker - We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite.

Ted Lowe - Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand.

Murray Walker - The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.

Murray Walker - Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansell. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers.

Tony Crozier - The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - is absolutely round.

Ted Lowe - That's inches away from being millimetre perfect.

Jo Sheldon - A brain scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from a stress fracture of the shin.

Ron Pickering - Watch the time - it gives you an indication of how fast they are running.

David Coleman - And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a week ago.

David Coleman - There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes.

David Coleman - It's a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs.

Frank Bruno - I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad I won rather than lost.

Alan Minter - Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious.

Terry Venables - If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.

Marlon Starling - I will fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right.

Ron Atkinson - I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.

Greg Norman - I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.

Ron Greenwood - Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales.

Brian Johnstone - Henry Horton's got a funny stance. It looks as if he's shitting on a sooting stick.

Ian Rush (English Soccer player on the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy) - It was like being in a foreign country.

Bobby Robson (After playing Cameroon in the 1990 World Cup final) - We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought.

Ron Pickering - The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation.

Happy is she who marries the son of a dead mother. ~ Scottish proverb ~

WALK WITH PRIDE

It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run."

This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game. The next batter came up and four balls went by.

The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scottish man, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run man, rrrun!" Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scottish, extremely embarrassed, sat back down.

A friendly fan, seeing the Scottish mans embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run - he got four balls."

The Scot then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man...walk with pride!"

10. It's legal to play hockey professionally.

 9. The puck is always hard.

 8. Protective equipment is reusable and you don't even have to wash it.

 7. It lasts a full hour.

 6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.

 5. Your parents cheer when you score.

 4. Periods only last 20 minutes.

 3. You can count on it at least twice a week.

2. You can tell your friends all about it afterwards.

And, the number one reason hockey is better than sex...

 1. A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon.

"There is a boundary to men's passions when they act from feelings; but none when they are under the influence of imagination." ~ Edmund Burke ~

WHY SOFTBALL IS BETTER THAN SEX

• You can play softball as much or as little as you want; YOU get to decide.
• After an unusually long and difficult softball game you can still ride your bike home.
• In softball, the other team pays attention throughout, even if they're done scoring.
• If you have to take a piss during a softball game, you can say "Excuse me, I gotta drain the swamp" and you don't lose style points.
• In softball, nobody comments on the size of your bat, as long as you know what to do with it.
• In softball, you don't feel guilty about winning the ugly ones.
• The other team never has to forfeit a game cause they're on their period.
• In softball, you don't have to compliment the other team on how good they look in their new uniforms.
• You don't have to buy the other team dinner to get a game.
• If you get all scratched up in a softball game, you can brag about it to your wife.
• In softball, if you go a couple months without scoring, your balls don't hurt.
• In softball, you can play the same team every day for a year and it's never the same twice.
• You don't mind if your parents come to watch you play softball.
• You can play three, maybe four softball games a day.
• In softball, it's no concern of yours if the other team has had marital relations with diseased livestock.
• In a good weekend of softball, you can play six or seven different teams and it only costs you twenty bucks and you may get a prize at the end.
• Playing the wrong softball team won't get you shot.
• You can be absolutely certain that, nine months after a softball game, the other teams lawyers won't call, asking for half of your pre-tax income for the next eighteen years. During a softball game you can spit tobacco juice all over the place.
• Rest assured that the other team will not invite you to the ballet.
• The other team doesn't demand that you shave before the game.
• The other team can smell like road kill and you'll never know it.
• If you don't score in a softball game, the other team doesn't ask you if you've had that problem often.
• No matter how drunk the other team is they never throw up in your bed.

Mommy bear and Daddy bear were in divorce court.

The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, "So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?"

"Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me."

"Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear," answered the judge.

"On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me."

"Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?"

Baby Bear said, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!"