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FAILED STATE MOTTOS

• Alabama: Literacy Ain't Everything
• Arkansas: At Least We're not Oklahoma
• California: Se Habla Ingles
• Connecticut: New York City's OTHER Suburb
• Florida: The Gunshine State
• Idaho: Famous for Potatoes ... and Neo-Nazis
• Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
• Indiana: Home of Dan Quayle
• Kansas: Don't Blame Us: We Voted For Dole
• Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
• Maine: For Sale
• Maryland: We're Better Than Virginia, Damn It!
• Minnesota: Land of 7,000 lakes and 3,000 man-made ponds
• Montana: Land of the Big Sky, and Very Little Else
• New Jersey: The Garbage State
• New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
• New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
• North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
• Ohio: Don't Judge us by Cleveland
• Oregon: Jerry Garcia was here!
• Pennsylvania: Cook with Coal
• South Dakota: Closer than North Dakota
• Tennessee: The Educashun State
• Texas: Don't Mess with Texas-We're Armed
• Virginia: We're Better Than Maryland, Damn It!
• Washington: Keep Washington Green, Grow Hemp
• Wisconsin: Come Sniff our Dairy Air
• Wyoming: Flat Is Where It's At

A man must learn to endure that patiently which he cannot avoid conveniently. ~ Michel Eyquem do Montaigne ~

MORE FAILED MOTTOS

• Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
• Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
• Arizona: Dehyd-rific!
• Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
• California: As Seen on TV
• Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
• Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
• Delaware: Please Call Before Visiting So We Can Make Room
• Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
• Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
• Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
• Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
• Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
• Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
• Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
• Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
• Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
• Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
• Maine: Cheap Lobster
• Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
• Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
• Michigan: First Line of Defense against the Canadians
• Minnesota: For Sale
• Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
• Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
• Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else
• Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
• Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
• New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
• New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
• New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
• New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
• North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
• North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!
• Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
• Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
• Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner
• Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
• Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
• South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
• South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
• Tennessee: The Educashun State
• Texas: Se Hablo Ingles
• Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
• Vermont: Yep
• Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
• Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
• Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
• West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!
• Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
• Wyoming: Wynot?

The last to be overcome is death, and the knowledge of life is the
knowledge of death.

~Edgar Cayce~

GREAT BEYOND

A cattleman from West Texas died and went on to the Great Beyond.

As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas."

"The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you?"

The heart is happiest when it beats for others.

REINCARNATION

Three Texans were in a bar throwing back a few, while they were discussing the meaning of life. The conversation grew deeper and deeper when one of the gents started talking about reincarnation. The trio started considering the possibility of the existence of this phenomenon and what each would prefer to come back as given the choice.

The first cowboy said "Well I think if I had my 'druthers I'd come back as a big Brahman bull."

The other two contemplated this choice and inquired as to why a bull.

"Well," he said "If I was a bull all I would have to do would be to lay around eat and sleep all day. My women would be brought to me, and my owner would be paid for my services. That seem like a pretty good life to me."

His two buddies both agreed that sounded like a good way to go through life, but one thought he could improve on it. He said, "I'd rather come back as a range bull."

"A range bull, why a range bull?"

"Well "he said" If I was a range bull it would be much the same as the life Leroy was talkin' 'bout. All I would have to do all day is lay around and eat and sleep, but I wouldn't have no fences to hold me back, and I would have my choice of all the women on the range. That seems like the best life to me."

Leroy nodded in agreement.

Just then ol' Charlie spoke up. "Naw" he said as he shook his head, "Ya,ll got it all wrong." "I'd rather come back as a whale."

"A whale, why in tarnation would you want to come back as a whale?" They were amazed at Charlie's statement.

Charlie just grinned and said, "Can you imagine having a seven foot tongue and bein' able to breathe out of the top of your head?"

The longer I live, the more I am certain that the great difference
between the great and the insignificant, is energy -- invincible
determination -- a purpose once fixed, and then death or victory.

~ Sir Thomas Fowell Buxton ~

ELECTROCUTION

These three Texans go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail only to find out that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor school of divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die and they let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words, "I am from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go too.

The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't connect them two wires."

Friendships, like marriages, are dependent on avoiding the unforgivable. ~John D. MacDonald~

WATCH THIS

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged a highly secret plan they had funded with the US auto makers for the past five-years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, watch this!"

Trouble is a sieve through which we sift our acquaintances. Those too big
to pass through are our friends.

~Arlene Francis~

LOCAL CALL

Keith Jackson was in Texas to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special telephone near the Longhorn's bench. He asked a nearby Texas player what it was for and was told that it was the hotline to God. Keith asked if he could use it. The player told him, "Sure, but it will cost you $100." Keith scratched his head, then thought, what the heck, I need a break picking games. He pulled out his wallet and paid the $100. Keith was perfect that week.

The next week Mr. Jackson was in Florida when he noticed the same kind of telephone on the FSU bench. He again asked what the telephone was for and was told, "It's the hotline to God. If you want to use it, it'll cost you $100." Recalling last week, Keith pulled out his wallet and made the call. Keith was perfect that week.

The next weekend Mr. Jackson was in Nebraska at Memorial Stadium, when he noticed the same kind of telephone by the Cornhusker's bench. He asked Frank Solich, "Is that telephone the hotline to God?" Frank said, "YES, and if you want to use it, it'll cost you 35 cents." Keith looked incredulously at Frank and said, "Wait a second, I just paid $100 in Texas and Florida to use the same telephone to God. Why does Nebraska only charge 35 cents?"

Frank looked at Mr. Jackson and replied, "In Nebraska, it's a local call..."