AND THE AWARD FOR STUPIDITY GOES TO:

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Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store a while became concerned after an hour, and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

I wonder if some lawyer will now make them put a warning about this on your biscuits from now on.

(Wouldn't it read something like this: "Warning: this explosive can may convince you that your brain's leaking out!!")

Learn not only to find what you like, learn to like what you find.

CARELESS SHOPLIFTER

A Washington D.C. crook went into a department store to try on a pair of pants. He liked the pants so much he stole the pants, a shirt, a watch and $100 from the clerk. Unfortunately, he ran out without his wallet, which he'd put on a shelf while he tried on the pants. The wallet contained a photo of the crook, along with his name and address.

Tech Support: "Sir, something has burned within your power supply."

Customer: "I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT that will take care of this."

Tech Support: "There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem."

Customer: "I know that there is something that I can put in...some command...maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS."

Tech Support: "Ok, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your computer."

Customer: "It is still smoking."

Tech Support: "I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE."

Tech Support: "Hello sir, how is your computer?"

Customer: "I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done?"

"The old nobility would have survived if they had known enough to become masters of printing materials." ~ Napoleon Bonaparte ~

BIRTH CONTROL BACKFIRES

In 1983, China set out to teach birth control to its rural population. Doctors appeared on television and demonstrated the use of condoms and birth control pills.

A mere year later, birth rates INCREASED and the program was declared a "complete fiasco."

After a survey was taken, the cause of the program's failure became apparent. 79% of MEN were taking birth control pills, and 98% of men were putting condoms on their fingers--just like they saw in the TV demonstrations.

Recently the Arizona Highway Patrol came across a smoldering pile of metal, which was embedded in the side of a cliff above a turn in the highway. (Think like the Roadrunner Cartoons) At first the wreckage was believed to be an airplane but was later found to be a car. At the scene, the type of car was unidentifiable, but the lab has pieced together the events as they happened.

It seems that someone got a hold of a JATO unit. JATO is an acronym for Jet Assisted Take-Off. And this unit is basically a solid-fuel rocket. (And no, it didn't say ACME Rocket on the side ~ J ) Normally this unit is used to give Military aircraft an extra push for taking off from short airstrips.

Apparently the victim had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found what he believed to be a long, straight stretch of road. He then attached the JATO unit to his car and drove off gaining speed. The evidence best shows that the driver of the 1967 Impala hit JATO ignition approximately 3 miles from the crash site, which was established by the prominently scorched and melted asphalt there. A JATO unit, if operated properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds of ignition, causing the Chevy to reach speeds in excess of 350 MPH. Continuing at full speed for an additional 20 - 25 seconds, the driver, soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces reserved for a dog-fighting F-14 under full afterburner. Surely at this point, the operator would remain insignificant for the remainder of the ride. Certainly he was out cold. However, the vehicle did remain straight on the highway for roughly two and a half miles, which is about another 30 - 45 seconds from what they figure, before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, which blew the tires leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then causing the vehicle to become airborne. Then while airborne, the vehicle traveled an additional 1.4 miles and impacted the cliff at a height of 125 feet above the highway.

This left a blackened crater three feet deep in the rock wall. Most of the driver's remains were unrecoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater. As well fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris thought to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. ~ Russian Proverb ~

ELECTRO-BEEPED

A co-worker once thought he was being electrocuted when his new beeper was set to vibrate, and he was fixing his reading lamp when it went off.

This same person accidentally shot himself in the foot while he was being strangled by his rental car's automatic seatbelt.

It was on his honeymoon -- he was returning the vehicle to the drop-off and was unloading his pistol en route. (A story in itself.) He was too far away from the ticket machine and couldn't back up because he had already driven over the spikes. He had his pistol in one hand, still loaded, and opened the door to get his ticket.

The automatic seatbelt did it's thing. It pushed him to the floor and somehow wrapped itself around his neck when he closed the door. It began to strangle him, and while he was trying to reach the emergency release, the gun went off, putting a hole in his shoe, his foot, and the floor board.

Dudley Williams, retired from the San Diego Police Department, shared this dumb crook story with us:

"We arrested a series bank robber then arranged a line up. We had all the tellers and witnesses in to view the line up.

I then proceeded to have them turn around and step forward. I asked each of the men to repeat the same phrase. When we got to number five, instead of saying what I asked him to say, he said, "I didn't say that!"

Needless to say, he was identified as the perpetrator of several bank robberies."