AND THE 2nd AWARD FOR STUPIDITY GOES TO:

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Robert Shovestall, 37, thought the .45-caliber pistol was unloaded when he placed it under his chin and pulled the trigger.

Shovestall's wife was complaining about her husband's guns (he had over 100 in the house). She had found the weapon laying on the bedroom floor. When he tried proving to her they were safe, he shot himself.

Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development. ~ Murphy's Twenty-Eighth Law of Technology ~

BUDGIE JUMPING

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section.

Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem".

The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage up dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag."

The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.

"Dis look loike grand place, eh?" says Gerry.

"Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.

They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me!!

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'.

He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider"

I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker.

I said, 'Sure.'

The next thing I hear is, 'Hey, where do you put the coffee?'

I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is unsuccessfully trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

I said, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?

He smiled and nodded knowingly, 'That's why we ask.'

Caller: Now what do I do?

Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?

Caller: It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'

Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.

Caller: How do you spell that?

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.

She responded, appalled, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?

If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number. ~ Murphy's Thirtieth Law of Technology ~

THE SYSTEM WORKS

R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in Miami, Florida.

In case you needed further proof that the human race needs help, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a box of Dial Soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Schwann's frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for other use.

On Sainbury's peanuts:
Warning: Contains Nuts

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File." ~ Murphy's Thirty-Second Law of Technology ~

DIRECTORY ENQUIRIES

Caller: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.
Operator: I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?
Caller: Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: Woven? Are you sure?
Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.

Caller: I'd like the RSPCA please.
Operator: Where are you calling from?
Caller: The living room

Caller: The water board please.
Operator: Which department
Caller: Tap water.

Operator: How are you spelling that?
Caller: With letters.

Caller: I'd like the number for a reverend in Cardiff, please.
Operator: Do you have his name?
Caller: No, but he has a dog named Ben.

Caller: The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.
Operator: You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told the worried operator: "I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.

A woman living in a rural area wanted to have an outhouse that wouldn't stink. She advertised it in the local papers for a contractor that could build such a structure. After some time, a contractor applied for the job and guaranteed that the outhouse would not have any odour. He got the job.

Sometime after completing the construction, the man got a frantic call from the woman, "You'd better get here fast! That outhouse has a terrible smell!"

He rushed over, went to the outhouse, poked his head through the door and exclaimed, "No wonder it stinks! You shit in it!"