AND THE 3rd AWARD FOR STUPIDITY GOES TO:

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Asked of Canadian Park Rangers.....

1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs?
2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose?

3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?"
   Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' "
   Tourist: "Oh".

4. Are the bears with collars tame?
5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?
6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?
7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?
8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was?
9. Are there birds in Canada?
10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?
11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?
12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?
13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?
14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?
15. Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?
16. How far is Banff from Canada?
17. What's the best way to see Canada in a day?
18. Do they search you at the B.C. border?
19. When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?
20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don't they?
21. Are there phones in Banff?
22. So it's eight kilometres away... is that in miles?
23. We're on the decibel system you know.
24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??
25. Is that two kilometres by foot or by car?
26. Don't you Canadians know anything?
27. Where do you put the animals at night?
28. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?"
    Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom".
    Tourist: "Oh!"

If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious. ~ Murphy's Thirty-Fourth Law of Technology ~

DOCTOR'S ORDERS!

When Pat and Mike met each other on the street one day, Pat noticed that Mike had a terrible cold. "Have you seen a doctor about that cold?" he asked.

"No," said Mike, "But I probably should. Do you know a good doctor?"

Pat gave him the name of his own doctor and assured him that he'd be in good hands. About a week later, they met again and Pat wasn't sure if the cold was really better.

"Did you see my doctor?" Pat inquired.

"Oh, yeah," Mike replied. He was a really nice guy!"

"Well, did he give you something to help your cold"?

"Sure did!" Mike answered, somewhat enthusiastically. "He told me to drink a big glass of fresh orange juice after a hot bath."

"Well, did it help?" Pat asked hesitantly.

"How do I know?" Mike retorted. "I haven't even finished drinking the bath yet!

Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said "Hey sarge, why did you stop?"

The sarge replied, "Stupid rookie, he's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday. ~ Murphy's Thirty-Sixth Law of Technology ~

100 TREES

Paddy heard that a fortune could be made by working as a lumberjack in Canada. So off he goes. After some weeks, he arrives at a lumberjack camp and asks the foreman for a job.

"Okay, sonny, but you have to do a test first. If you can chop down 100 trees tomorrow, you're hired."

So the next day, Paddy gets his chainsaw and happily saws away all day. When the trees are counted, Paddy only has 98. "Oh Well" says the foreman, "you'll get another chance tomorrow."

Next day, same story, 99 trees. "I don't believe this" says the Forman, "a big fella like you should be able to cut down 100 trees in a day. You get one more chance, and I'll join you to show you the trick of it."

Next day, Paddy and the foreman go into the forest. Upon arrival at a nice spot, the foreman puts the chainsaw on the ground and starts the engine.

Says Paddy, "Holy Cow! Where's the noise coming from?"

This story takes a little background; Ian works in a coffee, bagels, and sandwiches trailer on the campus of UNH. Vinnie is his boss and the owner of the truck, and yes, this actually happened.

This declaration of the stupid award goes to a customer today. Below is an approximate conversation with her.

Blonde: Yes, I'd like a milk with some coffee in it.

Clerk: So, that's just a splash of coffee in a milk?

Blonde: No, a regular amount of milk, but not coffee.

Clerk: Is there more milk or coffee?

Blonde: Oh, definitely more coffee.

Clerk: So that's a coffee with some extra milk.

Blonde: Just the usual amount of milk.

Clerk: A coffee with milk.

Blonde: Yes.

Clerk: Anything else?

Blonde: A little extra milk and do you have coffee with no caffeine?

Clerk: We do have decaf.

Blonde: No, I don't want decaf, just some coffee without the caffeine.

Clerk: Ma'am, that's what decaf means, no caffeine.

Blonde: Oh, then do you have milk with no caffeine?

Clerk: Milk doesn't come with caffeine.

Blonde: Yes it does.

Clerk: Not that I know of, where do you get your milk?

Blonde: It doesn't say caffeine free on the milk so it must have caffeine.

Clerk: Oh, you're right, my mistake, I forgot that we only get the decaf milk. No problem, we have only decaf milk. Anything else?

Blonde: Do you have any bagels?

Vinnie: (who has been listening all along) I'm sorry, ma'am, we're all out of decaf bagels.

Blonde: Oh, well, then I'll have one of those, with sesame seeds.

Vinnie: We're all out, ma'am.

Blonde: Well what are those? (pointing at sesame bagels)

Vinnie: Those are sesame donuts with extra caffeine added.

Blonde: I guess I'll just have the coffee. Do you take credit cards?

Clerk: No ma'am, cash only.

Blonde: What about visa?

Clerk: Is that a credit card?

Blonde: Well, yes.

Vinnie: Is it cash?

Blonde: No.

Vinnie: Then no, we can't take it.

Blonde: What about checks?

Clerk: Cash ma'am, nothing else.

Blonde: O.K.. how much is that?

Vinnie: Eleven dollars and 45 cents.

Blonde: Really?

Vinnie: New war in Alaska is ruining the coffee business, plus you wanted the coffee with no caffeine, that's hard to find now, had to grow it myself.

Blonde: O.K.. (proceeds to write a check)

Vinnie: Please leave.

Blonde: Why?

Vinnie: You're raising my blood pressure, leave now.

Blonde: But what about my coffee?

Vinnie: Leave and never return.

She leaves, but pays the $11.45 first. I'm serious.

All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door. ~ Murphy's Thirty-Eighth Law of Technology ~

SHIT BAG

A lady was exercising her dog in the park. A robber on a bicycle came up behind her and grabbed her bag from her hand. Pedaling furiously into the distance with his prize he was not aware of the victim rolling on the grass in fits of laughter. She had been using the bag to collect her dog poop.

Leon was something of the village idiot, and the kids liked nothing better than to tease him.

When one of the kids got a pet monkey for his birhtday, a remarkable scheme was born: Training the monkey to do exactly as they said, the boys gave him a cork, and told him to climb in Leon's window while he slept, and carefully slip the cork in his butt.

The caper was a success, and the next day, unable to move his bowels or break wind, Leon began to swell.

"Y'know," said one of the boys when they saw the bloated pasty, "it could be that you're pregnant!"

Instead of causing Leon to panic, the suggestion had the opposite effect: He took on a warm maternal flush, and every joke the kids played rolled off his back.

Unwilling to lose the dunce to his imaginary pregnancy, the boys decided to end the swelling by sending the monkey back. Crawling in the window, the little chimp crept over, and as delicately as he'd corked the anus, he now uncorked it.

However in doing so allowed the buildup of gas and waste to escape; the blast not only sent waves of shit in every direction, but actually ratteled windows across town.

Awakened by the blast, Leon looked around the room and saw the dazed monkey at the foot of the bed.

Beaming, Leon swept the animal in his arms and hugged it to him. "You're a hairy fucker," he said, "and you look like shit, but you're mine ...all mine!"