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The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times.

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.

This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy,
Relief Maid

Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet, I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.

Your regular maid,
Dotty

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM Thank you.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps, If I can be of further assistance, case call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them moved. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

Dear Mrs.E Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

As of today I possess:

• On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2
• On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3
• On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet,
• 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4
• Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2
• In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist
• On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used
• On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

It is said that if there were no darkness in the world, it would not be possible to see the light; if this is the case, starlight is all the more rich for its illumination of the night sky. ~ Scott Fowler ~

9 MONTHS

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

A group of English gentlemen are sitting around the den of a London men's club, and it's a special gathering, because the oldest member, Colonel Rowlinson, is there.

One of the men says, "Colonel, why don't you tell us a tale from one of your exploits?"

Colonel Rowlinson says, "Well, there was a time years ago when we were trekking through the Kenyan jungle. The fuzzy-tops were quite tired, what with carrying all the bundles as they cleared a path through the dense underbrush. We came to a clearing, so we sat to have a spot of tea and regain our strength, when suddenly, out of the foliage, leaps a nine-foot tiger. RRROOAARRR! My God, I shit myself."

One of the gentlemen says, "Well, Colonel, that's perfectly understandable, what with a huge TIGER coming at you."

The Colonel says, "Not THEN, you blithering idiot. Just NOW when I went, RRROOAARRR!"

God gives every bird its food, but He does not throw it into its nest.

FUNNY YOLKS

A traveling salesman whose car has broken down goes to the door of the closest farmhouse.

The farmer says, "You can spend the night but you'll have to share a room with my beautiful daughter."

"Oh, I don't mind that," exclaims the salesman.

"Just one thing," says the farmer. "No funny business."

"Oh no sir," says the salesman. "You can count on me."

Just to be safe, the farmer builds a wall of eggs between the two beds in the daughter's room.

In the middle of the night, the salesman can no longer control himself, busts through the eggs and has his way with the farmer's daughter. They take the rest of the night piecing the eggs back together one by one and rebuilding the wall.

The next morning, the farmer goes to his daughter's room and takes a couple eggs to the kitchen to make breakfast. Cracking open the first egg, of course, produces nothing. Cracking open the second egg, likewise. The farmer pokes his head out the window and yells, "OK, which one of you roosters is using a rubber?"

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No way! They have no clothes and no shelter," the Russian points out, "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."

He who seeks a friend without fault remains without. ~ Old Turkish Proverb ~

ETC.

The executive entrusted travel arrangements to his private secretary for his trip to Paris. She selected a fine hotel and told the manager to be sure the room was prepared with special accommodations: food, bar, flowers, etc. etc. etc.

Upon arrival, the exec was ushered to his room. In a suite adjoining, with the doors open, sat 3 lovely young ladies. The exec asked who the ladies were.

The manager bowed slightly and said, "They are the three et ceteras requested by your secretary, Monsieur."

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!"

The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.

"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.

"Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!"