TRAVELING #2

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Pierre and Boudreaux were flying Cajun Airlines. Boudreaux was flying da plane and Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo equipment an stuff. Da plane hit some turbulance an started bouncing around an Boudreaux got knock unconscience. Then da plane started driftin. Pierre him come run up to da front an Boudreaux was sprawl out over da steerin wheel.

Well, Pierre don't know notin bout flyin an he start to get panaky. He grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May Day! Dis is Cajun Air Line 10210. Boudreaux, him knock unconscence an I don know nutin about flyin dis plane!"

"Dis is da control tower," someone answer. "Don' you worry about nutin. We gona splain how fo you to land dis plane, step by step ah gar-on-tee! Jus leave arything ta us. Fus', how high are you an what's you position?"

Pierre thought a minute, den say, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all da way to da front of da plane."

"No! No!" answer da tower. "What's you altitude an where's you location?"

Pierre say, "Man ah got a po attitude, an I'm from Thibodeaux!"

"No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da ground an how you plane's in relation to da airport!"

Pierre start to panic by dis time. He say, "Countin Boudreaux's an mine we got four feet off da ground an I don't believe dis plane's related to you airport!"

A long pause --- "We needs to know who you next of kin is and where to send da flowers!"

"Matrimony is a process by which a grocer acquired an account the florist had." ~ Francis Rodman ~

COMPLAINT

"Stewardess"

"Yes, Sir?"

"I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no window blinds, so I can't sleep."

"Captain, shut up and land the plane."

An American was waiting on a London street corner.

An attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind blew her dress above her waist.

"A bit airy..." remarked the American.

Hearing this, the Cockney girl replied indignantly, " 'ell yes! What did you expect - feathers?!"

"A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one." ~ Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings ~

BLACK BOX

There's an airplane and it's about to crash so the pilot tells the stewardess to go prepare the passengers for a crash landing.

She walks down the isle and there's a guy smoking cigarette after cigarette.

She says, "Sir you have to stop that, we're preparing for a crash landing."

He tells her, "Nope I know what happens in these things and I'm going down with my last cigarette."

She walks further down the aisle and there's a guy drinking those little bottles of liquor one after another.

She says, "Sir you have to stop that, we're preparing for a crash landing."

He says, "Nope I know what happens in these things and I'm gonna have my last drink."

She walks further down the aisle and there's a guy fucking the hell out of this black chick.

She says, "Sir you have to stop that, we're preparing for a crash landing."

He says, "Nope I know what happens in these things and I know the only thing that ever survives is the little black box... and I'm gonna ride her all the way down!"

"Hey Larry, going away on holiday again?"

"Yes but I need to ask for something different."

"Go ahead ask me"

"You know last year you suggested Hawaii and when I returned my wife was pregnant."

"Yes but ..."

"And the year before you suggested Bermuda and when I returned my wife was pregnant."

"Yes but.."

"And the year before that when I went to Bali and when I returned my wife was pregnant."

"Yes"

"Well! Could you suggest something cheaper this year so that I can bring her with me?"

"Everyone has an invisible sign hanging from their neck saying, 'Make me feel important.' Never forget this message when working with people." ~ Mary Kay ~

ON TIME

A mother and her son were flying 'Southwest Airlines' from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The stewardess asked, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?'

He said that his mother had.

So the stewardess said, 'Tell your mother that its because Southwest always pulls out on time.'

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"