TRAVELING #3

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• One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago
• One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York
• One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
• One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: L.A.
• Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California
• Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
• One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
• One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
• One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male
• One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
• Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia
• Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida

"I existed from all eternity and, behold, I am here; and I shall exist till the end of time, for my being has no end." ~ Kahlil Gibran ~

TRAVELLING SALESMAN

I'm sure you've all heard about the traveling salesman whose car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota. It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it. A grizzled old farmer answered, and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night.

"Why sure young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk." said the hospitable old man. "But I ain't got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them thar jokes."

"Oh!" said the salesman, "Just how far is it to the next house?"

In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

"I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves.

(Huh? Where was I? Oh, Damn. The joke, right.)

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her,

(Is it warm in here?)

and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."

"One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors." ~ Plato ~

ORIENTAL MASSAGE

A guy was on a business trip and he's staying in this fancy hotel. When he goes up to his room there's a sign near the bed that says "Try our Oriental Massage."

So he rings down to the reception and tells the clerk that he'd like to try one of these massages. About ten minutes later this Japanese lady comes up and starts giving him a massage.

He's lying on his stomach and getting pretty horny and he gets a huge boner. She told him to turn over and when he does she sees his cock standing to attention. So she giggles and says, "Ahh, you want wanky!"

So he says, "Oooh, yes!" So she runs off into the bathroom and he lies on the bed waiting.

A few minutes later she sticks her head out from behind the door and says, "You finish yet?"

The passengers on a commercial airliner have been seated and are awaiting the cockpit crew to get them under way.

A murmur is heard in the back of the plane, and a few passengers on the aisle glance back to see the pilot and co-pilot,both wearing large dark sunglasses, making their way up to the cockpit. However, the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right & left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a seeing-eye guide dog.

As they pass by the rows of passengers there are nervous giggles heard, as people are thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. But a few minutes after the cockpit door has closed behind them the engines start spooling up and the airplane taxis out to the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and shifting uneasily or gripping the armrests more tightly. As the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, passengers become more and more hysterical!

Finally, when the airplane has less than only a few seconds of runway left, the shouts of horror fill the cabin as everyone screams at once, but at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain : "You know, one of these days the passengers are going to scream to late, and we're gonna get killed!

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first. ~ Steven Tyler ~

What a deal. Interesting action and... good grades from now on!

QUEEN

I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great."

I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane."

She still wouldn't comply. Now the attendent was getting rather angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one.

Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch! So put the tray up!"

Phil goes to Europe and leaves his favorite dog with his brother James. While in Europe, Phil calls James to check on his dog and asks: "So, James, how's my favorite dog doing??" and James very tersely says, "Your dog is dead."

"What??" says Phil, "You can't just tell someone his favorite dog is dead without a warning. You have to ease him into it."

"How?" says James.

"Well, the first day I call, tell me my dog is on the roof," remarked Phil, "Tell me the dog is going to be fine and not to worry. The next day, when I call to ask about my dog, tell me that you were about to get her down, when she jumped off of the roof and broke her leg. Tell me the doctors say the dog will be ok, but it will have to stay at the vet's for a while. Are you getting all of this???"

"Yes," says James"

"Good." remarks Phil. "Then the next day, when I call back, tell me that there was severe internal bleeding that the vet didn't pick up, and that my favorite dog died at 2:00 this morning. That way it won't be such a shock to me. Got it??"

"Yes."

"Good, so, how's Grandma doing?" asks Phil.

"Well," James replies, "She's on the roof...."