VIAGRA

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This man got his prescription for Viagra (a drug used against impotence) and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone and she says, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," he replies.

The Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before they're ready for the act. He takes the Viagra and waits. An hour goes by and the man is ready to go, but no wife.

His wife calls him on the phone and says, "Traffic is terrible. I can't be there for another hour!"

The man, frustrated, calls his doctor for advice. "What should I do?"

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes," the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?"

The man sighed, "But with her, I don't need Viagra!"

Teach children to choose the right path and when they are old they will remain upon it.

NO APPETITE

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast, bacon eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? An Aitken's buttery? Grapefruit with ginger and coffee to follow?

He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with (mmmm) a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?

He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

Come teatime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. Maybe a red pudding or a steak pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved? Or a tasty stir fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm fucking starving!"

An old farmer and his wife were having a little trouble with their sex life, so his doctor recommended he try Viagra and gave him a prescription for a dozen pills.

He brought them home and then told his wife he had to go into town for a couple of hours to pick up some supplies, but as he left, he unknowingly dropped the prescription bottle on the floor and the lid came off. His 12-year-old hunting dog, Old Bullet, happened to wander by about that time, sniffed at the pills, then lapped them all up.

When the farmer got home a few hours later, here's how he described the scene:

• "My wife was laying unconscious in the livin' room
• the cat was layin' dead on the kitchen floor
• there were 14 dead chickens scattered around the barnyard
• the rooster was cowerin' neath the back stoop
• the bull was sittin' in the corner of his pen with a puzzled look on his face
• my 26 dairy cows were out in the pasture singin' "Zippidy - Do - Da"
• and Ol' Bullet, he twarn't nowhere in sight!"

It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another. ~ George Bush ~

SLOGANS

Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra:

10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"
9. "Here's the beef!"
8. "Get a piece of the rock"
7. "You've come a long way, baby"
6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em"
5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
4. "Tastes great, more filling"
3. "Viagra, built ram tough"
2. "Just do her"

And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

1. "This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?"

An old man went in to see the doctor and said, "Doc, I'm turning eighty tomorrow. I've hired a hooker for the night, and I'd love to do it just one more time before I die. Can you give me something that'll get me up?"

The doctor smiled. "I don't normally prescribe this stuff, but I think in your case I can make an exception for one night."

Later that night, out of curiosity, the doctor phoned the elderly man and asked, "How's it going?"

"Fabulous," the old man said. "I've come three times already."

"That's great," the doctor said. "the hooker must be astounded."

"Not exactly," the old man said. "She's not here yet."

We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur. ~ Dan Quayle ~

SIDE EFFECTS

The Not So Well Documented Side Effects of Viagra:

• At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down at a meeting the tablefloats.
• You begin to look at the dog with interest.
• Your face is very pale due to lack of blood.
• When you walk into a sauna, everyone stands and applauds.
• They begin to call you " the tripod".
• You begin to think your mother in law is pretty.
• Sunbathing nude outside standing birds perch on it.
• Sunbathing nude outside lying down, you look like a sundial.
• When you go camping, all you bring is the canvas.
• Everyone at the bank, grocery store etc.... lets you go to the front of the line.
• Compared to you Pinocchio doesn't look like such a liar.
• You always lose limbo contests.
• Lewinsky wants you to be President someday.
• You can make drawings in the sand without having to find a stick.
• You sleep on your back so you had to remove the ceiling fan.

Okay folks... there's a *new* use for Viagra... Seems a researcher in Israel has discovered that a little drop of Viagra in a vase of cut flowers will solve the problem of the *droopy* daisies, *ragged* roses, *withered* wiegelia, *flaccid* fuchsia and *crusty* carnations...

Ya'acov Leshem has been doing research on how to increase cut flowers *staying power* and tried a little bit of Viagra in the water. His findings? "... it (Viagra) actually keeps flowers erect and alive for up to seven days beyond their normal life span."

He's also found that it might be *helpful* to fruits and vegetables, but is unsure of what *side affects* might occur...