VIAGRA #2

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Dear Diary:

DAY 1: Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, HE locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

DAY 2: Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know! I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp.

DAY 3: This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

DAY 4: A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, "This time, I'd rather not have your mother join us." (I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.)

DAY 7: This Viagra thing has gone to his head. (No pun intended.) Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. GET OVER YOURSELF! Not everything is about you!

DAY 8: I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wackier.

DAY 10: Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Hard Cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do?

DAY 11: The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.

DAY 12: I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and Decker.

DAY 13: I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying "fabulous" and still he keeps coming after me!

DAY 14: Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's like President Bush and pulls out in 100 days.

DAY 15: I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.

DAY 16: I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to: STIFF. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket

"Thy kiss is comfortless as frozen water to a starved snake." ~ William Shakespeare ~

HERE KITTY, KITTY

There was a couple that was having sexual problems so the wife decided to seek the advice of a sex therapist. The sex therapist suggested that the wife give her husband a viagra pill and gave her a prescription.

The next day, the woman returned to the therapist and said that it worked really well, but questioned what would happen if she gave her husband 2 pills. The therapist said she didn't know, but to let her know the results.

The next day, she returned and told the therapist that it was really wonderful...but questioned what would happen if she gave him 5 pills. The therapist said she didn't know, but to let her know the results.

The next day, the woman returned to the office, big bags under her eyes, and super tired. She said the results were just fantastic. She then asked the therapist what would happen if she gave him the rest of the bottle. The therapist shrugged her shoulders and told her that she had never heard of that happening before ...but to be sure to let her know the results.

The therapist didn't see the woman the next day...in fact, she didn't see her for severals months. Three months later, the therapist came out of her office and found the woman's young son sitting in the waiting room. She said, "Johnny, it's so nice to see you. How is your family--I haven't seen your mother for several months?"

John answered, "Well, my mother is dead...My sister is pregnant...I have a sore butt...and my dad is in the corner of the barn saying, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty'!"

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society...

DIRECTRA -a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA -Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting anew one.

CHILDAGRA -Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA -In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA -Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA -Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA -This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLYAGRA -This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA -About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors.

The only man who is a bigger fool than the one who knows it all; is the one who will argue with him.

TOP TEN SLOGANS CURRENTLY BEING CONSIDERED BY VIAGRA:

10."Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"
9. "One-a-day, like iron"
8. "Get a piece of the rock"
7. "You've come a long way, baby"
6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em"
5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman"
4. "Tastes great, more filling"
3. "Viagra, built ram tough"
2. "Here's the beef!"

and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

1. Just do her.

Little Timmy is playing on the street when he spots a package of Viagra pills. Being a boy of the world, he immediately recognises the possibilities and approaches his daddy:

"Dad, I just found these, and I'm willing to sell them to you for 100 Dollars straight."

"Son, well, while this is a very good offer, I'm in perfect physical health and not currently needing those. Tell you what, go ask Grandpa."

So Timmy walks over and tells his grandfather, "Gramps, I will sell you this package of Viagra for 100 Dollars."

"Oh, thanks Timmy, but are you sure these will work?"

"Gee, I don't know. But they do look like the ones that were shown on TV!"

"Tell you what, Timmy, I'll try them tonight and if they work OK, I'll give you the money tomorrow."

The next morning, Timmy visits his grandfather again, and Gramps hands over $500 without hesitation. Timmy is perplexed, "But Gramps, I thought we agreed on 100 Dollars!"

"That's OK, Timmy, keep it, the rest is from Grandma!"

"Scientists are the pinheads upon which angels dance."

GENERIC NAME

All Drugs have a generic name.
Tylenol is Acetaminophen
Advil is Ibuprofen
And so on...
What's the generic name for Viagra?

..Mycoxafailin

Concerned about his failing manhood, a farmer went to the local doctor for help. The doctor gave him a small container of pills and told him to take no more than one a day.

Back home, the farmer thought he'd try the medication on his stud horse first. The horse swallowed the pill, jumped out of his stall, kicked a side of the barn over, and ran off down the road.

"Those pills are too strong for me," the farmer thought, and pour the rest into his well.

Later, when the doctor came to check on him, the farmer told how he had disposed of the medication.

"Heavens!" exclaimed the doctor. "You haven't drunk any of the well water, have you?"

No," said the farmer. "We can't get the pump handle down."