MAGICAL WISHES

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This guy is sitting at a bar having a few wobbly-pops and suddenly gets this feeling that he has to go make an urgent call to the potty. So he goes into the bathroom and sees this really short guy taking a piss. He takes the stall next to this short guy, and while taking a piss the guy happens to look over at the little guy and by accident sees his dick. He just can't help saying to the guy, "Man that is one big dick! I wish mine was that big!"

"Well" says the little guy," I'm leprechaun and I can grant you one wish, and all you have to do is suck on me wang!"

In horror of the thought the man exclaims, "I don't think so you little faggot, even for a dick that size!"

"Fine then" says the leprechaun.

But after a minute of thinking the man says "Alright I'll do it." So the man starts to suck the leprechaun's dick and when he is finished he says "I can't believe that I am going to have a dick that big!"

And the little guy says, "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun!"

I do not have time every morning to put on makeup. I need that time to clean my rifle. ~ Henriette Mantel ~

I WISH I WERE...

This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "Poof" a genie appeared.

This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.

"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates," says the guy.

The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the world. "Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish."

"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile."

"That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.

The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl-nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything that came to his mind.

"Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later."

"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.

The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so-valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears. After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly.

The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.

"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener."

A king travels through the desert, when he suddenly discovers a man captured under a big rock, he throws a rope around the rock and ties it to his horse and pulls the rock off the man. The man, grateful as he is, tells the king that he's really a great sorcerer, and gives the king three wishes.

The king looks at the Sorcerer and says, "OK, then I wish to be immortal." The sorcerer replies, "Puff, it's done." The king takes a knife and stabs himself and nothing happens, then he says, "OK, then I want my horse to be immortal." The sorcerer replies, "Puff, it's done". The king, happy as can be, stabs his horse and nothing happens. Then he says, "OK, then I want my horses genitals." The sorcerer replies, "Puff, it's done".

The king, still happy, jumps on his horse and rides back to his castle, in the doorway he meets his friend Peter, jumps off the horse and tells Peter that he's now immortal. Peter laughs, but the king gives Peter his knife and says, "Here stab me with the knife." Peter stabs the king as ordered and nothing happens, then the king shows Peter that his horse also is immortal, and replies, "That's not even the best part. Look at this," and the king drops his pants. Peter looks at the naked king and screams out loud, "Damn that's the biggest pussy I've ever seen..."

Sex is like bridge: If you do not have a good partner, you better have a good hand. ~ Charles Pierce ~

WISHING WELL

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.

The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works."

One day, a man rubbed a lamp.

A genie popped out of the lamp and said, "You have three wishes. I will grant whatever you wish for, but remember, every politician in the world gets twice as much as you wish for, so be careful what you wish for."

The man said, "That's easy! I want a million dollars."

A big pile of cash appeared in front of him. "Now, each politician has two million."

The man said, "Never mind! I am happy as long as I have my million. Now, I want a Mercedes."

A red Mercedes appeared in front of him and the genie said, "Now, each politician has two of these."

The man was happier than ever. He thought about his last wish, and said, "You know, I have always wanted to donate a kidney..."

Friendship adds a brighter radiance to prosperity and lightens the burden of adversity by dividing and sharing it. ~ Cicero ~

LUCKY

A guy is strolling down the street in London where he comes across an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie.

The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies I've always wanted to be lucky."

The genie grants his wish. So off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 quid on the footpath. Not a bad start he thinks. As he picks it up, he notices a Ladbrokes betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot. He puts the 10 quid on the nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.

Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table and puts the whole 1010 quid on "Lucky seven." Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" on Lucky Seven.

Now he's really flying....what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, "Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge."

The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl....so he's ushered into one of the rooms when in strolls the most gorgeous sub-continental he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested.

At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."

The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark."

So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans back and starts laughing his ass off.

"What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl.

To which the bloke replies, "You're never going to believe this, but I've just won a car!"

A guy found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it.

The genie popped out and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want."

The guy thought and thought and finally gave his answer, "I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."

"As you wish," the genie replied, and promptly turned him into a toilet seat...